The Slippery Slope of Greatness|
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|Monday, August 5th, 2013|
|Procrastination is a symptom of my disease...
Mental and physical illnesses are very different, but they have just enough similarities to help me frame these concepts.
Just as with physical illnesses, we often can't see mental illnesses directly but their symptoms can be seen. Sometimes we make the mistake of thinking that the symptom is the illness, but there is usually a deeper underlying illness that is causing us to behave the way that we are. Just as physical symptoms are shared by many illnesses, so too can many mental illnesses share the same symptoms.
Right now I am focusing on the cause of one particular symptom, procrastination, and what is causing it. I think a lot of people see procrastination as a direct result of laziness. I know I have fallen into the trap of believing this myself. For a long time I thought that laziness was the source of my problem with procrastination.
After much self reflection, I find that the diagnosis of laziness does not ring true. There are many instances throughout my life where I have worked hard for long periods of time without coercion. Most times, once I start the work, I actually enjoy the effort it takes to do something.
So why then do I have such a difficult time getting started on things? To make a long story short, I came across this
recently and things started to click into place. My situation was a little different, but the underlying concept fit.
I was an under achiever all my life. I will admit that. A poor diagnosis my mild dyslexia marked me for most of my early life as incapable of much. A combination of my peers taunting my mercilessly when I tried and failed to do something and my father pounding into me the concept that I must do everything perfect the first time or I was 'wasting the resources given to me' produced a similar situation in my head.
I really don't have a name for this affliction, but it is like a cancer that eats away at your soul and manifests in many ways, not the least of which a pathological disposition to procrastination. It spreads very much like a cancer until it eventually overwhelms your whole being.
It is a disease that can be cured. I know because about 15 years ago, without know how or why, I was able to put this cancer into remission and I started to actually overcome this disease. Funny thing about this disease, is that it is communicable. Unfortunately I got into a toxic relationship that caused my disease to come out of remission.
Funny thing is, the whole time I was with her I was happy, but slowly her own disease wore down my defense mechanisms and I started to manifest the same symptoms as before, maybe even worse than before. It wasn't her fault. She was suffering in her own way and it wasn't as if it was a malicious act. I guess it was good that the relationship came to an end, even tho it hurt a lot at the time time loose her.
Knowing the underlying cause/disease may not make the situation magically go away, but it is the first stage in finding a cure. Actually, with my mental plasticity and ability to enact change of my mental well being, identification is 90% of the battle. Writing this out helps organize and focus these concepts, and gives me a way to review the though process in the future. Current Mood: hopeful
|Multi dimensional matrix of friendship...
I have come to realize recently that I have a lot of very good friends, but lack close friends.
While the overall quality of each individual friend is much better then they have been in my past, I have not really invested myself in nurturing a close connection with anyone in over a decade. I invested that time in energy into the one friend that meant the most to me, my wife. I made her my best most closest friend in the whole world. I gave to her all my love and attention at the expense of all others. When she left me, I was left with nothing.
That was obviously one of the biggest mistakes I have ever made. To invest everything you have into only one relationship is stupid an wrong for so many reasons. When she left me unexpectedly, I had no one to turn to for emotional support, a shoulder to cry on or just be there when I was lonely.
Well I do have a couple friends that I am close with but they currently live far far away. While I am emotionally close to them, they are are not physically close any more. All of the people I used to consider close friends have drifted away due to physical distance or neglect. The quality of the friends I do have has shown through in that they have done their best to be there for me when I needed them but but I don't feel that I have a really close connection with any of them.
I find that I lack the most basic of skills to grow and develop friendships. I seem to be stuck between the ten year old "Hey you, we have never met before, but do you want to be best friends." and realizing that in the adult world, that makes you creepy and possibly a bit like a stalker. Maybe it is just that I lack the ability to recognize the subtleties of adult friendships. It is probably a bit of both. Current Mood: lonely
|It has been a year, and things still need to change.
I logged in today to write some things about some things I needed to get off my chest and realized that I have not written anything in almost a year. There have been lots of changes for me, but I have not recorded them even tho I felt I had somehow. I guess it may be that I started a paper and pen journal shortly after the last post here and I have been putting things there.
There are several reasons for the paper and pen journal. I wanted to practice the skill of using a pen again. When writing/thinking, a mode/method change can help change a person's perspective enough to work things out in a different way. I have learned that some things can/should be shared and others should be private even if I have no personal motivation to keep them secret. I want to record both kind of thoughts so I have two modes to do that now.
Things have gotten better in my life, but I see many more things that need to change. There have been ups and downs over the past year but I guess a recent major change in my life has jarred my complacency to the point that I have started to take a cold hard look at myself.
One change I am making is to actually use this tool more often. The second is to avoid vomiting walls of words at people. Frequent small blocks to get my thoughts going and avoid feeling overwhelmed about getting it all out there. Current Mood: change
|Thursday, August 16th, 2012|
|Pennsic didn't kill me...
I had a great time at Pennsic this year. I managed to fight all the war points I set out to do, so that was an improvement. I even survived my annual bout with heat exhaustion. :)
Funny thing is tho, as I finalized my packing for Pennsic, I had a strong sense that I would not be returning home from Pennsic. I didn't know what would go wrong and I wasn't sure why but I felt as if death was waiting for me along the way. Even more strange was that I didn't feel bothered by it. So sense of dread, no fear, not even an anticipation of it. I was happy to be going to Pennsic and if I met Death along the way I would hand him a beer toast to his health (or lack there of).
I was very relaxed the whole trip. Every now and then I would wonder what it would be that did me in, but then go back to anticipating what I would be doing at Pennsic. Eventually I settled on the most likely cause would be me falling asleep at the wheel, considering caffeine was not helping with the lack of sleep and I was getting droopy eyed. Funny thing is tho, I have a strong survival instinct and when I am most relaxed about things I still manage to avoid simply letting myself get killed. I figured out that if I chew something like chips, I won't fall asleep and that got me to Pennsic safe and sound.
Once there I quickly went about unloading the van and setting things up with the help of Kara and Paul. I think I hand more help but I was starting to get a little fuzzy at this point and a little dizzy (very bad sign for me, but I was too tired to realize that). With the roof up on my tent and the van unloaded I parked the van and walked the mile or so back in the sun. I was doing good physically until about three fourths of the way back when I suddenly go warm. Being tired and sleep deprived, I blew it off. Got back to camp and sat on the ground and talked to Kara and Paul for a bit. I was warm but not unbearably so, and was not sweating too much (less than I used to in the summer).
I then got up to go finnish my tent and arrange things. This is when I started to notice my muscles were starting to cramp, all over my body. Tired and sleep deprived me just thought I had over worked myself and that was normal (because I had been working hard over the past couple of days) and cracked open a gallon of water and started drinking because that is what you do at Pennsic when you are hot.
At this point things get really fuzzy and jumbled because I was really low on electrolytes. At some point I laid down and I realized how bad things were. I remember thinking "Well I guess I know how I am going to die now. Kind of makes sense now that I think about it." It was just a sort of calm acceptance of the situation. I am not sure why, probably my survival instinct kicking in, but got up and started to wander towards a more public location. Maybe it was because I had always gone to the 'Napatorium' (Rivenstar's shaded space for sleeping and cooling off) when I was hot at Pennsic. I don't know.
I do remember that just before I passed out, I was torn between 'just letting it happen' and 'calling out for help.' It is odd how you can hover in a moment, when the world moves slowly about you but it seems like an eternity. Somewhere in that time between moments, a thought dawned on me. Its hard to describe, but suffice to say that I thought of how sad it would make my friends if I were to die right then and there and at Pennsic no less.
Now I am not saying that I would have expired right then and there if I hadn't asked for help. Logically someone would have found me shortly after I fell and I would have been helped anyway. I don't think I was in any real danger because I camp with some pretty amazing people.
What is of interest is that I choose not to just lay down and die. I choose to fight. Actually the fact that there was a choice to make at all is a significant event for me. I guess it just confirms that there has been a growing lack of will to continue and that while I may not have been seeking to end my life, I was really doing nothing to hold on to it.
I guess in a way I did die at Pennsic, or at least part of me did. I really can not define exactly what part of me never left, but I am not the same person I was before I left home. In choosing to live, I let something else die. Something that was dragging me down and holding me back. I don't expect my life to change over night, because what died at Pennsic needs to be filled with something else. That may take time to grow.
I see things a little differently now, and I think new opportunities have present themselves soon. Maybe this is the catalyst for the change I have been seeking. Maybe it is just removing something that is halting the progress towards the change I have already begun. Who knows, but Death came for me, and it didn't leave empty handed. Current Mood: refreshed
|Friday, July 6th, 2012|
|No good deed goes unpunished (by the cat)
So, Kosh cat was looking a bit manky and hot the other day, and I couldn't find the cat brush. I finally gave up looking and just bought a couple new ones. One is that standard kind that are basically a small carding brush. The other was a new thing I saw at Kroger.
First I brushed her with the old brush and got the mats out and quite a bit of hair with it (more than I usually get). We will call this one unit of shedding a "fluff". She never likes to be brushed and ran off in a huff after a short time.
When she showed up again, I decided to try the new brush/comb thingy. I managed to pull about 5 fluffs worth of cat hair off of her in about a half hour of use. At first she was her usual cranky, but she started to notice how much cooler the world felt without the hair and alternated between purring and grumping at me. She eventually left but not in a huff like nornal. I kept using the brush on her throughout the day and getting a couple more fluffs of hair off of her.
The next day she woke me up yowling like she does when she wants to be fed, rubbing her head on the new brush thingy and looking at me expectantly. I managed to get about 4 more fluffs of hair off of her that day and about 3 more over the next few days. She really doesn't like to be touched on many parts of her body so it is hard to get it all in one go.
She has become more and more energetic the past couple of days despite the no A/C and temps in the 100s. This morning I was woken up to an excited cat jumping on the bed and hitting me in the face with something soft that I believe squeaked. I can only assume that it was a mouse and that Kosh is very happy with her new state of nakedness.
Mouse in the face an 4:00 am is not a great way to start the day but at least she is happy again. :) Current Mood: amused
|Sunday, June 24th, 2012|
|Thursday, December 1st, 2011|
|A road once traveled...
Sometimes you have to change things about yourself. Sometimes these changes are hard to make and take you away from what is safe an familiar. When you have a choice between a familiar pain and an uncertain road filled with pain, you have to make a choice. The choice to take a step on that path of action at least has real hope of finding something better as opposed to the false hope of something better randomly happening to you.
It takes a great force of will to stay on that path of change and not jump off that path at the first sign of something better. Maybe that journey should never end and anything that takes you off the path of self discovery/improvement is just surrendering to a new false hope.
I have begun to walk my path again, and I am please to say that I have already seen positive results so I know I am on the right path for me. Why I left the path to begin with is unimportant now. All that matters is being who I want to be. Come what may, I like being that person and I never should have stopped. Current Mood: determined
|Friday, October 28th, 2011|
|Monday, October 24th, 2011|
It has been brought to my attention that I should probably label things on my Journal so those that do not want to hear the whiney bits can skip them. So from now on I will use LJcuts to hide content and people can click through as they see fit.
This is just one way I can be a better friend and cyber citizen, so I don't mind. I just need to remember to not be lazy. Current Mood: tired
|Tuesday, October 18th, 2011|
|I guess it is my fault...
So my soon to be ex-wife has recently posted a very venomous post recently. You can go over there and read it if you like.
I don't know how to respond really.
She is right, she has told me for years she has been unhappy, and for years I have tried to make her happy. It is true I didn't do a very good job of making her happy, or we wouldn't be were we are now. I tried a lot of things but couldn't find the right combination of things to make her happy. Things kept getting in the way. Me getting sick. Me loosing my job. Me not doing enough to keep things going forward. She is right, I didn't do everything humanly possible to make her happy and I was not good enough to satisfy her.
She is also right that when she started talking to her high school boyfriend, I did nothing. I didn't want to be one of those dickhead men that are so overbearing and controlling as to not give them the freedom to be friends with who they wanted to be friends with. I trusted her, and I loved her so I felt safe letting her have her friendship. I really don't know how I could have done that differently. I guess I did something wrong because I lost her anyway. So it is my fault for being unable to divine the right course.
I promised her things that I was unable to deliver on. I promised her a unending faithfulness, unconditional love, a house, a dog, and a baby. I managed to get as far as the house. So I failed to deliver on my promises. I also promised to be a partner to her, but I failed to understand what she meant by partnership. I still don't really know what she wanted, but it was not what I was offering and not me.
According to her rules, I failed to be a good husband and I failed to make her happy. So for that I am sorry. Heather, you are right, I failed you and I failed our marriage according to your standards.
I however am not ashamed of what I did. I was being the best husband I could be according to my standards. I am proud of my faithfulness, my unconditional love and my loving support for her when she needed it. I am proud that I was open and honest in our relationship. I am proud to that we were both able to learn from each other and grow stronger together. I am proud the I always tried to better our lives and do what was best for us.
I leave the marriage with my head held high because I did a good job. The marriage is ending because it wasn't good enough for her. It is her choice. She has always been free to make this choice.
Which brings me to the next thing I want to talk about. I think quite a few people are working under the misconception that her new boyfriend is the reason and source of her change of mind. That it is all his fault and that everything would be fine without him. I would like to emphatically state that this is not the case.
Trust me as someone who probably knows her better than anyone else. She makes her choices and her actions are hers and hers alone. She is not being brain washed, lead astray, or any other silly nonsense. She has made her choice. To believe anything else is to demean her as a self aware person and deny that she is an adult making her own choices.
You can choose to not like him because he is funny looking, because he has a birth mark shaped like a Nebraska, or any other reason than because he is some how controlling her. I don't like him for my own reasons that have nothing to do with this misconception. I may choose to change my mind in the future, but for right now I have the right to choose the way I feel about him. My reasons are a private matter between him and me, so no I will not talk about those reasons here.
I have had private conversations with people who are afraid to speak out about their concerns because they fear hurting their friendship with her. Considering several people are on the outs with her for voicing their concerns, I tend to agree with their assessment. I am not assigning a judgement to that, but she has clearly stated that certain topics will get you the "Fuck Off" card. May friendships are about all I have right now, so I am not going to reveal those peoples identities because it would be betraying a confidence. It can be argued that I have already done so by even mentioning the conversations, but I feel the nature of the conversations were such that they hoped that I would convey their concerns. Unfortunately I have already inadvertently caused one long time and very dear friend to be unfairly mocked in an public and hostile forum, so I apologize to her here.
There is a lot of hostility on the other side of the fence, and even statements that are not meant to provoke are causing quite a stir. I apologize to all for fueling the Drama Lama Express. I want to take this opportunity to try to derail that train. I do not want to stir up hostility against my Ex-Wife. Sometimes I am sad and want to express that sadness. I do not want my sadness to cause more strife. I do not want my words or actions to spur more anger and hostility against my friend.
My opinions are my own. My actions are my own. I think my former wife and I know each other well enough to agree that we both make our own choices and want our actions to speak for us. I have no desire to play passive aggressive tag. I am not trying to do anything but live my life. There is a lot of suck in my life right now, but I think we are both trying to sort things out as quickly and drama free as possible.
I hope to stay friends with her in the future, so here is me offering an olive branch. Current Mood: mellow
|Monday, October 17th, 2011|
|Off to a new home
So George Kitty is off to her new home. I am sad to see her go. I think I frazzled her mommy when she was here. Not my intent, but it did happen and they nearly left without her litter box.
Why was she frazzled? She had planned on moving completely out by the End of November and I told her I would like her out by the Beginning of November. I am motivate to see this done so I guess I will be doing a lot of her packing. I guess my questions about the critical what I will be packing for her were unexpected and she was already rushed to get George home.
On the bright side, she handed over credit cards and check books for our mutual accounts on her own volition, so I can start closing accounts and putting everything in my name.
My sadness at George leaving is tempered by my determination to start my life a new. Lets just hope I can create a good life on stable ground this time. Current Mood: determined
Had good breakfast with George Kitty this morning. I guess I shouldn't have doubted her. She always kept me company when I was alone in the house. I deliberately made my eggs a lot more runny then I like so she could have egg goo. Gave her way too many treats. I spent a half hour just petting her. We played catch the bubbles for way too long. Ended up getting to work late because of it. Oh, and she barfed on my chair before I got up, so it was a very George kitty morning.
I will miss her so much. Her mommy will be coming to pick her up sometime soon. :( Current Mood: sad
|Sunday, October 16th, 2011|
One of the things I really hate most in the world is the sound of George Yowling in distress. New boyfriend thing has a fondness for the sound. Makes me not like him even more. God I wish there was a way for me to protect George from him. It is bad enough that I will miss her terribly but now I worry am him torturing her. I know it is not that bad, but she is old and I am very protective of her. I don't want her upset, I want her happy and purring like she is around me. The idea of her living with someone that makes her upset makes me very unhappy.
But...As with everything in this divorce, I have no say, I have no recourse, and anything I say just makes it worse.
At least I was able to stop it tonight but she leaves tomorrow. I hate tomorrow.
I am going to miss the Old Grumpy Lady Cat. I have grown very very fond of her and she will be missed so very very much. I want to pick her up and snuggle her, but I know that upsets her so I won't. That is the least I can do for her.
I hope she wants lots of pettings tomorrow at breakfast. That would be a nice goodbye thing. Current Mood: sad
|One sad one Happy
So I have been emo all over the place, and now I want to be happy, because good things happened to me today.
I went to Archery practice on this glorious fall day. It was cool but comfortable and I had a great time with some wonderful people. This is yet one more thing that I get to do in the SCA that makes life so grand. I get to hurl sticks at very high speeds towards targets while hanging out with cool people. I only got a couple really small bruises this time and didn't break any arrows.
I also completed my first full set of royal round scores so I am officially a Mynydd Seren Archer. I have an average score that should give me plenty of opportunity to improve next royal round season.
I have dreams of having my own archery range in the back yard. Maybe I should get my own bow first, then go from there. Good times with dreams of future fun is always a good thing.
Plus I got a hug from a friend today. I know it is silly that I note the hugs so often, but they do mean a lot to me. I really do feel the lack of physical contact and closeness now that I do not have a wife to love and snuggle. I got two hugs at Fencing practice so that was supper awesome too. Not as good as I was getting, but it is a start.
I guess I could get more hugs if I were to offer them myself, but somehow the whole "large yeti man demanding hug" thing could be a frightening thing. Maybe not. I don't know, maybe I see myself as more monstrous than everyone else does. Need further pondering.
I also found out that using the same arrows on a faster bow makes scratches into cuts. Need more leather protection.
Yay for fun day. Current Mood: chipper
|Friday, September 16th, 2011|
|If not you then who, if not now then when?
This is a phrase that I encountered not so long ago. It seems like forever ago because of how my life has gone the past couple of months, but it really was not that long ago. This phrase sparked something in me, and I felt a strong desire to emulate the sentiment behind those words. Then I got blindsided by life and my world started to fall apart. In the noise an chaos of the last few months those words have been drown out. With the shock of loosing everything that I held dear, I have been shuffling through life like a zombie and yet I have been more active in my life than I have been in a while.
Maybe it is that chaos that have broken my molds and patterns, maybe it is the noise of destruction that has deafened me to my doubts and insecurities, or maybe just maybe those words struck deeper than I thought. I do feel something building in me that I can not explain, but I think it is good. I don't know if the last 12 years has been a blessing or a curse. I don't know if this... thing... growing inside me would have been born had my marriage not failed so unexpectedly or so spectacularly, but I do know it is there.
It is an odd feeling for me to take action that is solely my own. I have lived the past 12 years as a part of something else. All my desires and actions where directed to the goal of being beneficial to the "US" entity. I have been trying to make something work for "US" and not knowing what that is. I have not known what the "US" entity wanted. Desires and Dreams were confused and conflicting. I lost more and more of myself looking for a path, a goal, or a thing to strive for that was acceptable. More and more of my own personal wants and desires where lost in the hope of finding a clear and common goal.
Now that I have only myself, it is very liberating. It is lonely and I miss having someone to share my life with, but things are so much clearer now, and so much easier. These choices are my choices, the goals are my goals and there is no conflict. After 12 years of trying to make things happen for "US" I have found that it is not a huge leap to make things work for myself.
Before there was an "US" I was in conflict with myself over what I wanted and what to do. Over the past 12 years I have had to resolve my own internal conflicts to speak with a clear voice on what I wanted so as not to complicate an already complicated proposition of finding what the "US" wanted. Now I am left without that internal conflict and without a purpose. I have lived to please my other half for 12 years and now I have no one but myself to please.
It is weird, but until now, I have not really considered myself in the equation. Thinking of myself as a person to please and make happy is new. Even before the "US", I was only able to fight for things in front of me but I never actually considered making things happen for myself. Actually that is not true, I was already on a path to this self discovery, I just shifted that focus to someone else.when I thought I had found the one true person to be with. Now that I have no one but myself, maybe I can finish becoming more than the sum of my past and start living a life as I dream it to be.
I know this whole thing sounds a bit Woo Woo and bordering on becoming a self absorbed self-centered egomaniac, and you would be right if that was who I was inside. My desires are more egalitarian. I seek enrichment through enlightenment and self improvement. I seek a better me and a better world around me. I want to enjoy the world around me and have those in my life enjoy that world with me. I think this has been building inside me for a while, but for whatever reason has not come out into the light. I don't know what about being part of an "US" made things so complicated, but now that there is just me it is so clear.
I miss being a part of a couple and being married. Maybe this time I will find some one that will blend well with who I want to be and who I am becoming instead of someone who matched who I was and where I came from. I am not saying that my soon to be ex-wife is a bad person and I did not love her. I think she was a wonderful person and I loved being with her, but (through no choice of my own) I have the opportunity to find someone more suited to the me who I want to be instead of molding myself to someone I am with.
I desperately want to be with someone again but I need to be my own person again and learn who I am and who I am becoming because I think I like that person. I think that I will find the one I should be with when I know myself. Current Mood: thoughtful
|Sunday, September 11th, 2011|
|The openning salvo has been released in this war
Bought a new vacuum cleaner at Big Lots on Tuesday, and managed to work up the nerve to tackle the floor today. For the first time in I don't know how many months, I can walk in my house without stepping on kitty litter grit and a thick mat of hair. It feels good. This is just the beginning of the beginning, but ever adventure needs a starting place. Some day soon, I hope to have a house I can invite people over to without feeling embarrassed or worried for their health and safety.
I started a new SCA activity this weekend (archery) and I started cleaning My Home. I think I deserve a treat, fried chicken is in order.
Here is to new beginnings. Current Mood: accomplished
|Thursday, September 8th, 2011|
|Activity Fair for the win
So despite being called off for rain we had a activities fair anyway and it was pretty awesome. I like seeing people come out and try out things. Some will laugh, shake their head and move on, but hopefully a few will come back for more.
Next week we will do it again but hopefully with even more activities. I would like to see this grow into an even bigger event where we can invite venders and other related groups to join us. It is probably just a flight of fancy, but I liked the little renfair in Dunn Med we used to have a few years ago.
Well I think there is an inerest and new drive to do more things like this. I like that trend and hopevot continues to build up steam.
Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.
|Monday, August 29th, 2011|
|SCA reports are in
I am slowly crawling out from under my rock. My life has been turned upside down and I feel jumbled up and defeated. This change is not of my choosing, but I can choose how to react to it. I feel like hiding under a rock, going to sleep and never waking up again because in my dreams I am happy again and I feel loved, at least some times when I am not dreaming about unpleasing things happening to me that I have no control over.
It is getting better. To that end, I managed to get my Regional Webminister and MIT reports out on time this Quarter. I am choosing to stand on my own two feet even if I don't feel like it. Self doubt and loneliness make me feel undesirable and worthless but I can let those feelings stop me. If I am already in pain, walking through fire is not so scary. The only way to know if there is something better on the other side, is to try.
Right now, all I can do is make the best of what I have. Its not much, but it is a start. Current Mood: numb