thegreatyeti (thegreatyeti) wrote,

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If not you then who, if not now then when?

This is a phrase that I encountered not so long ago.  It seems like forever ago because of how my life has gone the past couple of months, but it really was not that long ago.  This phrase sparked something in me, and I felt a strong desire to emulate the sentiment behind those words.  Then I got blindsided by life and my world started to fall apart.  In the noise an chaos of the last few months those words have been drown out. With the shock of loosing everything that I held dear,  I have been shuffling through life like a zombie and yet I have been more active in my life than I have been in a while.

Maybe it is that chaos that have broken my molds and patterns, maybe it is the noise of destruction that has deafened me to my doubts and insecurities, or maybe just maybe those words struck deeper than I thought.  I do feel something building in me that I can not explain, but I think it is good.  I don't know if the last 12 years has been a blessing or a curse. I don't know if this... thing... growing inside me would have been born had my marriage not failed so unexpectedly or so spectacularly, but I do know it is there.

It is an odd feeling for me to take action that is solely my own.  I have lived the past 12 years as a part of something else.  All my desires and actions where directed to the goal of being beneficial to the "US" entity.  I have been trying to make something work for "US" and not knowing what that is.  I have not known what the "US" entity wanted.  Desires and Dreams were confused and conflicting.  I lost more and more of myself looking for a path, a goal,  or a thing to strive for that was acceptable.  More and more of my own personal wants and desires where lost in the hope of finding a clear and common goal.

Now that I have only myself, it is very liberating. It is lonely and I miss having someone to share my life with, but things are so much clearer now, and so much easier.  These choices are my choices, the goals are my goals and there is no conflict.  After 12 years of trying to make things happen for "US" I have found that it is not a huge leap to make things work for myself.  

Before there was an "US" I was in conflict with myself over what I wanted and what to do.  Over the past 12 years I have had to resolve my own internal conflicts to speak with a clear voice on what I wanted so as not to complicate an already complicated proposition of finding what the "US" wanted.  Now I am left without that internal conflict and without a purpose.  I have lived to please my other half for 12 years and now I have no one but myself to please.

It is weird, but until now, I have not really considered myself in the equation.   Thinking of myself as a person to please and make happy is new.   Even before the "US", I was only able to fight for things in front of me but I never actually considered making things happen for myself. Actually that is not true, I was already on a path to this self discovery, I just shifted that focus to someone else.when I thought I had found the one true person to be with.  Now that I have no one but myself, maybe I can finish becoming more than the sum of my past and start living a life as I dream it to be.

I know this whole thing sounds a bit Woo Woo and bordering on becoming a self absorbed self-centered egomaniac, and you would be right if that was who I was inside.  My desires are more egalitarian.  I seek enrichment through enlightenment and self improvement.  I seek a better me and a better world around me.   I want to enjoy the world around me and have those in my life enjoy that world with me.  I think this has been building inside me for a while, but for whatever reason has not come out into the light.  I don't know what about being part of an "US" made things so complicated, but now that there is just me it is so clear.  

I miss being a part of a couple and being married.  Maybe this time I will find some one that will blend well with who I want to be and who I am becoming instead of someone who matched who I was and where I came from.  I am not saying that my soon to be ex-wife is a bad person and I did not love her.  I think she was a wonderful person and I loved being with her, but (through no choice of my own) I have the opportunity to find someone more suited to the me who I want to be instead of molding myself to someone I am with. 

I desperately want to be with someone again but I need to be my own person again and learn who I am and who I am becoming because I think I like that person.  I think that I will find the one I should be with when I know myself. 
Tags: becoming, egalitarian, life, love, marriage, myself, us
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