So it has been almost a month since the last post.
It has been hard to post things because I still so messed up by the whole divorce thing. I find I try to start a post and I start getting bitter and spiteful. Plus I know that many of my friends are already uncomfortable with how public things are already.
I guess I am so used to even the smallest details of my life being broadcast to the world that I have become numb to it all. I tend to over share anyway because things that bother other people don't always bother me. I guess I want to be sensitive to the needs of my friends and not be all in their faces with the TMI stuff. Figuring out what TMI is can be hard.
I realized today that I may have been a little too snarky/bitter about the situation to a friend. It didn't dawn on me till later that what I said, while not unusual in my situation, may not have set well with this friend. That made me feel bad. I know there are a lot of people that support me but don't really want to take sides in this. I do have a lot of anger and resentment built up inside me and it leaks out. I guess it has been a while since I have had to deal with these kinds of emotions, and I am rusty at filtering them out.
Its really hard when I know that a lot is being said about me on the other end of things. I really can't read her journal right now, but people do drop hints as to what is going on over there. I know that another persons actions do not not justify my own actions. I want to stand up and be heard and defend myself from the implied things. I am not sure what she is saying, but she does have a tendency to be very melodramatic about things so small things seem much bigger than they are. I also know that she is really good at implying things without saying them. This comes from the environment she grew up in. I have seen her family interact and there is a lot of implied things but never anything you could call someone out about.
I know that is vague, and I am sorry. Maybe an arbitrary example would help. If I said "I am glad my father has not beaten my mother in front me." While this is true, he hasn't. It also implies that he may have done so in the past, or that he does beat my mother but just not in front of me. If you confront me and say "Why did you tell everyone your father was abusive," then I can say "I ddn't, I said the exact opposite of that." Now if he says "I have never beaten my wife," then it deepens the suspicion that something is going on.
I don't think this is a willful thing, but I do know that she is feeling guilty about the whole thing. In addition she has had several people confront her about her actions, and she has pretty much written these people off as friends. I think that deep down she is afraid that one day she is going to wake up and everyone is going to see that she is "an awful monster that eats babies, kicks puppies and votes Republican because the bible tells her too." ( BTW - This is meant to be a representation of what our inner fears tell us and not a literal fear) She does have a tendency to imagine what everyone else is thinking about her and jump out in front of everyone and defend herself before "they can call her out on it" even if they are not thinking that.
So the more fearful she gets and the more guilty she feels the more she is likely to do the who implied statement thing to make her position in this whole thing seem less bad. Which leaves me as the implication punching bag. Any attempt (even something like this jounal entry) to deny the implications or defend myself waters the seeds already planted. I mean, no one but Heather and I know what goes on behind closed doors, and even we don't seem to agree on how to interpret what did or didn't happen so how could anyone else do anything but make up assumptions that fit their world view. Its sort of a Rorschach test of relationships.
So I am left defenseless in this. I wish my actions spoke for me. In some cases they do, and a lot of people that really know me realize that things are not as they seem from the other journal, but many of the people that cheer her on do not know me so all they can do is judge me from her narrative and things that can be implied from it. I do appreciate that many people have chosen to remain neutral in this and a few have come out strongly on my side. Unfortunately I feel like many people are torn between what they know and what they wish they could believe.
I know she is a far more popular person than me. People tend to make strong connections with her quickly and she is so much easier to get to know. She makes people feel important, wanted and loved just by being around her and that is a powerful thing. Hell, that is why I fell in love with her. I felt wanted. I felt loved. I felt like special. Just by been with her, I felt happy. I would have been willing to do just about anything to keep feeling that way.
I however do not make friends easily. It takes a long time for people to warm up to me. People don't generally know what to make of me at first and I am very good and not letting people see who I am, because it is safer that way. I don't really have that ability to make people feel good about themselves and I don't light up a room when I enter it.
And there in lies the problem. I think people that know me and are able to pull the pieces of who I am out of my actions see me as a good person and may even see that I don't really deserve what is happening to me, but on some level they kind of wish I was a dick and really did deserve it or at least fit her narrative better. It would be so simple then, and they could go on liking the one that makes them feel good and who is easy to like. When you get me instead of her, I can see where you would feel like getting the short end of the stick by doing what is right. I understand that feeling because I am living a life full of that feeling.
I know people feel uncomfortable around me. I am good at picking up those feelings from people. Understanding exactly why people feel uncomfortable around me is hard to pin down some times. I know there are many things that could cause it, but I doubt I know them all.
First off, I am going through a divorce that is hard on me. I am sure that people don't want to make me feel any worse and at the same time are afraid I will over share and bring them down with my divorce kooties.
I have a tendency to look people in the eye when I talk to them. Its a thing I grew up with. I have found that makes some people very uncomfortable. Finding the right amount of looking someone in the eye is hard, and where the hell do I look when I am not. How do I let people know I value what they are saying without looking at them. This is all very confusing for me.
I am also a person of strong emotions and I grew up in an environment where expression of emotions was just taken for granted. Not all people are comfortable with that. I am a very intense person and I am not even sure how to express my friendship for someone without giving off the creepy stalker vibe. Do I come off to strong to people I want to make friends with? Probably.
Which leads to the "I am more or less single now and in the market." Yes I am interested in finding someone I really can live my life with. I liked being married, and I want to find someone who wants to be be married to me. Being the intense sort of person I am, do my gestures of friendship to the opposite sex come off as "I want to hump your leg."
Then there are the myriad social issue that come from childhood. Mostly I just don't know how to interact with people on a casual level. So I have to figure them and get to know them before I know what to do. I don't think I make a bad friend when I get over that hump, but I think my awkwardness is hard to get over for most people. This also leads to why I have trouble with being in a large group of people. Too much to process. There is also the fact that, given a large enough group, the individual is lost to the group mind and people react differently in a group then they do as individuals.
I know, it is a skill that developes with practice. Unfortunately it is a chicken and the egg thing. Oh yeah, then there is not driving people even further away with my bitterness and anger. Joy of joys.
So I guess I have bored you enough with my hopeless image and friend making problems. Just 12 more posts like this and I get my honorary emo card. Woohoo.