thegreatyeti (thegreatyeti) wrote,

I guess it is my fault...

So my soon to be ex-wife has recently posted a very venomous post recently.  You can go over there and read it if you like.

I don't know how to respond really. 

She is right, she has told me for years she has been unhappy, and for years I have tried to make her happy.  It is true I didn't do a very good job of making her happy, or we wouldn't be were we are now.   I tried a lot of things but couldn't find the right combination of things to make her happy.  Things kept getting in the way.  Me getting sick.  Me loosing my job.  Me not doing enough to keep things going forward.  She is right, I didn't do everything humanly possible to make her happy and I was not good enough to satisfy her. 

She is also right that when she started talking to her high school boyfriend, I did nothing.  I didn't want to be one of those dickhead men that are so overbearing and controlling as to not give them the freedom to be friends with who they wanted to be friends with.  I trusted her, and I loved her so I felt safe letting her have her friendship.  I really don't know how I could have done that differently.  I guess I did something wrong because I lost her anyway.  So it is my fault for being unable to divine the right course. 

I promised her things that I was unable to deliver on.  I promised her a unending faithfulness, unconditional love, a house, a dog, and a baby.  I managed to get as far as the house.  So I failed to deliver on my promises.  I also promised to be a partner to her, but I failed to understand what she meant by partnership.  I still don't really know what she wanted, but it was not what I was offering and not me.

According to her rules, I failed to be a good husband and I failed to make her happy.  So for that I am sorry.  Heather, you are right, I failed you and I failed our marriage according to your standards.

I however am not ashamed of what I did.   I was being the best husband I could be according to my standards.  I am proud of my faithfulness, my unconditional love and my loving support for her when she needed it.  I am proud that I was open and honest in our relationship.  I am proud to that we were both able to learn from each other and grow stronger together.  I am proud the I always tried to better our lives and do what was best for us.

I leave the marriage with my head held high because I did a good job.  The marriage is ending because it wasn't good enough for her.  It is her choice.  She has always been free to make this choice.

Which brings me to the next thing I want to talk about.  I think quite a few people are working under the misconception that her new boyfriend is the reason and source of her change of mind.  That it is all his fault and that everything would be fine without him.  I would like to emphatically state that this is not the case. 

Trust me as someone who probably knows her better than anyone else.  She makes her choices and her actions are hers and hers alone.    She is not being brain washed, lead astray, or any other silly nonsense.  She has made her choice.  To believe anything else is to demean her as a self aware person and deny that she is an adult making her own choices. 

You can choose to not like him because he is funny looking, because he has a birth mark shaped like a Nebraska, or any other reason than because he is some how controlling her.  I don't like him for my own reasons that have nothing to do with this misconception. I may choose to change my mind in the future, but for right now I have the right to choose the way I feel about him.  My reasons are a private matter between him and me, so no I will not talk about those reasons here.

I have had private conversations with people who are afraid to speak out about their concerns because they fear hurting their friendship with her.  Considering several people are on the outs with her for voicing their concerns, I tend to agree with their assessment.  I am not assigning a judgement to that, but she has clearly stated that certain topics will get you the "Fuck Off" card.    May friendships are about all I have right now, so I am not going to reveal those peoples identities because it would be betraying a confidence.    It can be argued that I have already done so by even mentioning the conversations, but I feel the nature of the conversations were such that they hoped that I would convey their concerns.  Unfortunately I have already inadvertently caused one long time and very dear friend to be unfairly mocked in an public and hostile forum, so I apologize to her here. 

There is a lot of hostility on the other side of the fence, and even statements that are not meant to provoke are causing quite a stir.  I apologize to all for fueling the Drama Lama Express.  I want to take this opportunity to try to derail that train.  I do not want to stir up hostility against my Ex-Wife.  Sometimes I am sad and want to express that sadness.  I do not want my sadness to cause more strife.  I do not want my words or actions to spur more anger and hostility against my friend.

My opinions are my own.  My actions are my own.  I think my former wife and I know each other well enough to agree that we both make our own choices and want our actions to speak for us.  I have no desire to play passive aggressive tag.  I am not trying to do anything but live my life.  There is a lot of suck in my life right now, but I think we are both trying to sort things out as quickly and drama free as possible.

I hope to stay friends with her in the future, so here is me offering an olive branch.
Tags: choice, divorce, drama lama express, peace
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