thegreatyeti (thegreatyeti) wrote,

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Pennsic didn't kill me...

I had a great time at Pennsic this year.  I managed to fight all the war points I set out to do, so that was an improvement.  I even survived my annual bout with heat exhaustion.  :)

Funny thing is tho, as I finalized my packing for Pennsic, I had a strong sense that I would not be returning home from Pennsic.  I didn't know what would go wrong and I wasn't sure why but I felt as if death was waiting for me along the way.  Even more strange was that I didn't feel bothered by it.  So sense of dread, no fear, not even an anticipation of it.   I was happy to be going to Pennsic and if I met Death along the way I would hand him a beer toast to his health (or lack there of).  

I was very relaxed the whole trip.  Every now and then I would wonder what it would be that did me in, but then go back to anticipating what I would be doing at Pennsic.  Eventually I settled on the most likely cause would be me falling asleep at the wheel, considering caffeine was not helping with the lack of sleep and I was getting droopy eyed.  Funny thing is tho, I have a strong survival instinct and when I am most relaxed about things I still manage to avoid simply letting myself get killed.  I figured out that if I chew something like chips, I won't fall asleep and that got me to Pennsic safe and sound.  

Once there I quickly went about unloading the van and setting things up with the help of Kara and Paul.  I think I hand more help but I was starting to get a little fuzzy at this point and a little dizzy (very bad sign for me, but I was too tired to realize that).  With the roof up on my tent and the van unloaded I parked the van and walked the mile or so back in the sun.   I was doing good physically until about three fourths of the way back when I suddenly go warm.  Being tired and sleep deprived, I blew it off.  Got back to camp and sat on the ground and talked to Kara and Paul for a bit.  I was warm but not unbearably so, and was not sweating too much  (less than I used to in the summer).  

I then got up to go finnish my tent and arrange things.  This is when I started to notice my muscles were starting to cramp, all over my body.  Tired and sleep deprived me just thought I had over worked myself and that was normal (because I had been working hard over the past couple of days) and cracked open a gallon of water and started drinking because that is what you do at Pennsic when you are hot.  

At this point things get really fuzzy and jumbled because I was really low on electrolytes.  At some point I laid down and I realized how bad things were.  I remember thinking "Well I guess I know how I am going to die now.  Kind of makes sense now that  I think about it."  It was just a sort of calm acceptance of the situation.  I am not sure why, probably my survival instinct kicking in, but got up and started to wander towards a more public location.  Maybe it was because I had always gone to the 'Napatorium' (Rivenstar's shaded space for sleeping and cooling off) when I was hot at Pennsic.  I don't know.

I do remember that just before I passed out, I was torn between 'just letting it happen' and 'calling out for help.'  It is odd how you can hover in a moment, when the world moves slowly about you but it seems like an eternity.    Somewhere in that time between moments, a thought dawned on me.  Its hard to describe, but suffice to say that I thought of how sad it would make my friends if I were to die right then and there and at Pennsic no less.

Now I am not saying that I would have expired right then and there if I hadn't asked for help.  Logically someone would have found me shortly after I fell and I would have been helped anyway.  I don't think I was in any real danger because I camp with some pretty amazing people.  

What is of interest is that I choose not to just lay down and die.  I choose to fight.  Actually the fact that there was a choice to make at all is a significant event for me.  I guess it just confirms that there has been a growing lack of will to continue and that while I may not have been seeking to end my life, I was really doing nothing to hold on to it.

I guess in a way I did die at Pennsic, or at least part of me did.  I really can not define exactly what part of me never left, but I am not the same person I was before I left home.  In choosing to live, I let something else die.  Something that was dragging me down and holding me back.  I don't expect my life to change over night, because what died at Pennsic needs to be filled with something else.  That may take time to grow.  

I see things a little differently now, and I think new opportunities have present themselves soon.  Maybe this is the catalyst for the change I have been seeking.  Maybe it is just removing something that is halting the progress towards the change I have already begun.  Who knows, but Death came for me, and it didn't leave empty handed.
Tags: death, life, pennsic
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